Natasha's Birth

In one of our Bible studies we were talking about spiritual markers. The Israelites were told to set up stones as a reminder of what God had done to bring them to the Promised Land. They were to tell their kids and grand kids about what God had done for them. As I was thinking about Natasha's birth I started seeing how different things God had set up for me to experience seemed to have affected this birth. Before Danyelle was born or even conceived, Daniel and I really didn't like the birth control pill I was on. It seemed to be hurting my body. We stopped taking the pill in November 07. I remember months of crying because we hadn't got pregnant yet and I was afraid I never would. I would go online and look into all the different things on helping you conceive. Calendars, temperature readings, etc. I ended up stressing over it. After a couple months of doing this, I started to realize how silly all this was and that God would let us get pregnant when it was time. We ended up getting pregnant in April and having Danyelle in January. I can't think of a better timing for our little girl to come. We'll after we had Danyelle I was still feeling convicted about trusting God in everything. I started to talk to Daniel about letting God decide when we got pregnant again. We both talked about it for several months and decided God wanted us to trust him with this next pregnancy. We don't judge anyone who uses birth control, and we too will use it again if God tells us to, but for this pregnancy we both were pretty sure we were supposed to trust Him for the timing. There are so many stories in the Bible of someone who was told to do something even though all the circumstances seemed to be against them. If Moses was only going on circumstances, they would have never finished the trip to the Promised Land. He would have taken one look at the Red Sea and said we better give up. But instead He just kept trusting and obeying and God provided and took care of them. There were so many circumstances that made me question if we had done the right thing, but every time doubt started to creep up, I was also encouraged with comfort and peace that this baby was meant to be. God was in control. We really felt like we did the right thing, and that it was God's timing. November came around and I was 3 months pregnant. I had a stressful weekend. I was editing for a video job and thought I had lost a whole week of work. I couldn't find it anywhere. I thought I was going to throw up or get an ulcer or something. It was time to go pick Daniel up from work. Once there I told him the horrible news and of course he felt just as scared and freaked out about it. We were supposed to go clean church from there so Daniel's mom and sister-in-law offered us supper before we left if we wanted it. I don't remember what it was, but I remember they had killed a lamb in their back yard that day for a montanza the next day and I think the smells and just already feeling sick from the editing being lost that I didn't eat anything. Daniel ate some and then we left. Instead of going to clean church, Daniel in panic drove us almost all the way home wanting to figure out things right away with the editing. He stopped and realized that we couldn't probably fix it tonight and we turned around and went to clean church. After about 3 hours cleaning we went home and tried to get ready for company that was going to come late that night and stay with us over the weekend. We were so exhausted after cleaning church and from worrying about the editing that we first fell asleep. We woke up around midnight and worked on cleaning up so our visitors would have a place to sleep. I know I panic when people come over to my house. I started mopping the kitchen of all things. Not a comfortable thing to do when you're pregnant. Well, we finally got things finished just as everyone arrived. I snuck back to the room and fell asleep. I woke up around 2 or 3 in the morning with painful cramps that made me curl up and cry. I woke Daniel and told him I couldn't move. Danyelle ended up waking up and wanted to nurse. I couldn't move to nurse her, so she started crying too. The cramps eased up a little so I nursed Danyelle a little back to sleep and Daniel helped me in the tub. Once in the tub I noticed I was bleeding. My heart sank. I was hopping the painful cramps were just me being a baby, now I knew something wasn't right. I prayed that God would keep the baby safe. I really wanted this baby. I apologized for all the complaining I had done over this pregnancy. All the times I hadn't trusted that He was in control. I ended up staying in the tub till morning, and then pretty much all the next day, adding warm water as I needed it. It seemed to keep the cramps from hurting so bad and my bleeding was starting to stop. I called Connie my midwife to ask her if she thought I was loosing the baby and what she thought I should do. She told me that the painful cramping was a concern. She said she didn't want to give me false hope, but that some women do cramp and bleed and then are all right. She told me to keep doing what I was doing and she would call back and check on me again. I was pretty sure it was all over. I sensed Connie thought it was over too. I was mentally preparing for miscarriage. I laid there wishing I could re-wind time. Well thankfully things did get better and a couple of days later we had an ultrasound that showed a beautiful beating heart. But they were being hush hush over what happened. I hate that they can't just tell you what they see right away. They said they would send the results to some head guy and he would tell my midwife and she would tell me the results. Connie said that they said it looked like my placenta had started to tear away from my uterus but for some reason or another it had stopped. We were so thankful and continued on as normal. The next week was the toLabor Doula Workshop I had been helping set up. I was so excited that I was still able to make it after so many months of working to get it set up. This is where they surprised me and gave me a certificate for a placenta encapsulation. I had some postpartum depression after I had Danyelle, so I was excited to try this with Natasha and see if it helped.

For about a month before Natasha was born I was up night after night with good, strong, close together contractions that would send me to the tub to find rest. Once the contractions died off early in the morning I would crawl back in bed and try to finish sleeping. I was pretty sure I was dilating and effacing with these early contractions. They just felt like good strong labor, even though they eased up at some point everyday. We'll the day I actually had Natasha, I had been waking up on and off with mild contractions. Around 3 AM Danyelle woke up screaming as she was teething and her teething cries are very loud and panicky. Daniel got up and walked over to her bed to try to calm her down and get her to sleep again while I went to the bathroom with a strong contraction. With each cry from Danyelle my brain seemed to be releasing oxytocin and giving me stronger and stronger contractions. I stood hunched at the sink and just tried to sway through them and zone out from hearing her cry. I kept looking behind me at the tub. I wanted to get in so bad but if this was really it I didn't want to get in the water too early and slow it down. I was excited to see my baby. We'll with the next contraction I thought again and decided it would be better to try to get in the tub and relax and get some sleep. I was thinking about the days and days of non-stop labor that I had with Danyelle and didn't want to make the mistake of not taking the chances I had to try and rest. We'll the tub was wonderful, but it didn't slow the contractions down at all. I started out by draping a thick towel over the edge so I could be in sitting and squatting positions while still resting my head. The water was actually feeling very warm to me, so Daniel got me some ice chips and water that tasted wonderful! Daniel went and cuddled with Danyelle on the floor. Soon I felt like I needed him to put pressure on my back. He came over to the edge of the tub and was trying to put counter pressure on my lower back with one hand and with the other hold Danyelle who started crying uncontrollably again. I could tell my breathing was short and panicky just like Danyelle's cries. I was experiencing first hand how labor can be much more difficult if you panic and don't relax. I tried to keep my ears underwater to help drown out everything around me, but I was lying on my left side so that Daniel could reach my back. At one point I hate to admit it, but I splashed behind me hopping the water on Danyelle would make her wake up a little more and quit crying. I don't know what I was thinking! That was dumb! I'm sorry Danyelle if you read this someday! I told Daniel to go ahead and take her out again and try to get her to sleep. He ended up having to take her all the way to the living room so I couldn't hear her cries. I would have loved to have her there for the birth if she was happy and awake. She loved watching water births with me on You Tube. We had hopped to just stay alone as a family for the beginning of labor. I really wanted a quiet intimate early labor experience, but what we didn't realize at the time was that Natasha was very close to being with us and this wasn't early labor at all! I felt a little bit like a failure when I asked Daniel to call my mom and sister to come over so "early on" in the labor. I just didn't want everyone feeling like they had to wait on me forever and ever like the last birth. I didn't want to feel watched, although I know they wouldn't be watching me and would have been very happy to help with Elle. After Daniel tried calling and didn't get an answer, he went back to trying to calm Elle. I think I sort of snapped at him and said let me have your phone and I'll try again. I should have realized that I was showing these emotional sign posts that things were moving quickly! I left some pathetic messages to both my mom and sister's phones asking them to come as quickly as they could and to bring milk as we are always out of milk in this house. I ended up calling Angela, our sister-in-law. I didn't have Daniel call Connie our midwife yet. I knew I wanted Daniel to help me relax and to have Daniel, I needed someone to watch Danyelle. But I didn't think I would be having Natasha so soon, and I thought we could wait a little closer to morning to call Connie. So I stayed there in the tub telling myself it was my job to relax everything in me. As the contractions slowly tightened from the top of my uterus to the bottom, I would try to completely go limp and just let the contraction take hold of my body and do its thing. It was really hard not to tense up my back as I was feeling back labor again, but didn't have anyone to put pressure on it. It felt like the ligament attached from my uterus to my spine was pulling so tight that my back actually wanted to arch with it. I think I quickly realized we better call Connie, but every time Daniel would come in the room I seemed to be in a contraction and didn't want to talk or move any muscle. I kept questioning myself too. Is this really it? To us, I was doing what I had been doing for the past month or so, we really weren't sure what point we were at or if it was going to stop again in a couple of hours. I had a list of ambiance things that I had written up ahead of time for anyone to be able to set up while I was in labor to help me relax. Daniel had got Elle to stop crying, so they came in to plug my Ipod in for me. Another time they came in to light candles for me. I smiled (at least on the inside as I was trying to relax all muscles, including my mouth) and closed my eyes thinking how thankful I was for my husband taking such good care of me. I really was getting to have the home birth I had been dreaming of. Elle was going to have a sister soon . . . play dead. Another contraction came and for some reason I couldn't get back into concentrating on relaxing with them there, even with my eyes closed and them not talking. I told him and they left me alone again. Soon another contraction came and I felt like pushing a little. As I did, I felt a pop and gush of water flow out. It was a happy feeling. I had been waiting and wondering what my water breaking naturally would feel like. It also made me a little more anxious that this baby really was coming! The contractions seemed to be maybe a minute apart now and some of them were making me want to push. I was getting that seasick feeling like I was on some kind of crazy rocking ship that was swaying my body back and forth in the water. It's sort of a dizzy feeling that made me feel like my head was going under. I don't really know how to explain it any better than that. It's what I felt when I entered Transition with Danyelle too. I kept praying for God to help me relax through each contraction. It's so much harder to relax with out Daniel's touch. I was feeling doubt strongly now. There was a towel hanging over the side of the tub that I grabbed on to help keep my head from going under the water while I tried to let go of all my other muscles. For some reason it made me think of the story in the Bible of the lady that grabbed the edge of Jesus' coat and was healed. I knew that even though Daniel couldn't be there with me at the time, God was still holding on to me and helping me. My Ipod was on shuffle and the Beatles "I am the Walrus" song was on. Normally the Beatles depress me a little, so Daniel knowing this heard they were on and went over and changed it. We'll I had been breathing to the rhythm of the song. "I am the walrus" -In "I am the walrus" -Out. So when he changed the song, it completely threw me off and I told him that that one was helping me. I think it went to Charlotte Church singing Oh, Holy Night, which I normally like and would have thought of her as relaxing, but hearing her hold out the long notes made me want to do the same with my breathing, and it was just way too long to hold my breath, so I quickly let out a "change it" as I was in the middle of a contraction. After it was done I told him that my water had broke and that some of the contractions were making me want to push. I wish I had a picture of his face when I told him that. It was very cute and very excited. Like when I told him we were pregnant. I think he walked in about 3 circles in to the closet and out trying to figure out what to get or do. I think he went to get the phone to call Connie. Angela had arrived now. (honestly I'm not sure when she arrived, but I know she was there by now.) He came back in ready to help me. Well, another contraction had started and I didn't want him to interrupt until it was done. At this point I felt almost like I was on a merry-go-round and there was only one open bar for him to run and jump onto. If he jumped on too early he might knock me off. I'm foggy on the order of everything, but I think this is where he asked me if he should call Connie. I think I told he we probably should. I was starting to push and we were still a little unsure of what was going on! So he called her while he was right there beside me and I guess she asked if he thought she should come right away yet or not (she didn't know I was pushing). So he asked me and I told him through a contraction as I was gently pushing just to relieve the pressure "I'm pushing". After he finished talking to her I seemed to be having a really long contraction or a contraction on top of another contraction so he helped put pressure on my lower back. I think I asked him to go to my feet instead and work the solar plexus like he did with Danyelle. As I breathed in he pushed in and as I breathed out he let go. A couple times we got off and I would just say opposite, and then he would reverse and we'd get back in rhythm together. Another contraction came and I told him again my body was staring to really want to push harder now. He told me maybe I should try to wait until Connie got there. I had read the little handout from Connie just a couple days before on what to do if you have the baby before the midwife gets there. And so I reminded him what I remembered it said to the coach to remind the woman that birth is a natural normal process and that it will be ok. He looked a little calmer and ready to have this baby. He told me I really needed to get out of the tub and let him clean it from the stool that had come out while I was pushing some. I was a little frustrated and said I really didn't want to leave the tub. He told me I had to. He looked so serious about it. To me I was ready to push the baby out and that's what happens when you start pushing. I couldn't imagine getting out of the tub at this point, but I didn't know if he was seeing something I wasn't and didn't want to scare me or what. I asked if it was meconium and he said no. He told me he just didn't want the baby to have to be born into dirty water. I told him to turn the water on warm in the shower and then I'll get in there while he cleaned it. I got in. I tried standing, then squatting, then standing immediately again as I had my hand up inside on Natasha's head and it felt like she was right there and ready to come out. I wasn't sure I was ready to catch her standing up. I also thought I may be pushing for an hour again like I did with Elle. I really wanted to get back in the tub and lay down to have her. I think that the little time I spent in the shower ended up being one of the most beautiful pictures I have of this birth, besides the actual birth of Natasha. I leaned on the glass wall of the shower looking down into the tub being cleaned by Daniel and Angela. I felt so thankful that they would do such a gross thing for me. I looked at the three candles Daniel had lit earlier on the ledge just on the other side of the glass. The flames were dancing back and forth as I swayed through the contractions. The warm water was raining on my back and easing up tensions. A strong pushing contraction came, I told Daniel to push. Thankfully he know what I meant and came over and pushed on my lower back. His hands made me feel stronger. I tried not to push to much with this one. I prayed that if it was God's will I could have Natasha soon. I was still picturing pushing for another hour. I was feeling more self doubt and more tired. I really just wanted to hold my baby now. I found out later my Grandma had been praying the same thing for me. The contraction stopped and Daniel told me I could get back in the tub. Angela went back out to the living room with Danyelle who was sleeping. Some of the contractions felt like they were two on top of each other now. I had heard in Bradley Class the phrase "Throwing down" instead of throwing up. My body was doing this strongly now. It was pushing Natasha down and out whether I helped push myself or not. As the pushing contraction started I would say "push" and Daniel came up with this new way of pushing on my lower back and moving his hands down along with the baby. It almost felt like he was helping me push her lower and lower. I tried moaning a little with each pushing contraction. I told Daniel that it felt good. It was releasing and freeing. There is a foggy glass window in our bathroom. I noticed that there was a little light starting to shine through it now. I love sunrises. It was the perfect welcome for our baby. I realized it must be about 5. I asked Daniel if he would get in with me. I though if he held me from behind I could sort of lean back on him and he could hold me up. He started to roll up his jeans and was getting in right as Connie got there. I thought him having jeans on would be uncomfortable for him in the water and I didn't want to make him take them off in front of Connie. I felt like I was doing ok, so I told him never mind. The position I was in was good. I was laying on my left side with one foot in the water against the tub wall and one up on the real wall a bit higher. Almost like a modified laying down squat. I kept my hand on Natasha's head so I could feel how close she was. It helped me be able to visualize what was happening. I told Connie that I was pushing and asked if that was ok. She smiled in her quiet way and told me I was doing great. She let me just keep doing what I was doing. I did love my midwife with Danyelle, but I didn't really like that she did the whole "push, push, push" thing. I liked how quiet Connie was. She didn't even try to reach in and take over once she got there. She was just there supporting us. I asked Connie if she could feel Natasha's head for me. I was starting to feel Natasha's skull molding to come out, but to me it either felt like a cord or her bottom and I was a little worried about what was happening. She felt it for me and told me that it was her head. and that it was doing what it should. With Danyelle I watched in the mirror, but I didn't really hold her head the whole way out. I felt much more aware this time of what was goinng on. I remember feeling different parts of my hips and tail bone relax as she moved past them. Connie held up her hand and showed us how much of her head was crowning already. Daniel said later he didn't believe her when she said she was crowning. I ended up rolling over to my back to push more. I held onto Natasha's head as it came out. I felt like I jumped in surprise a little at how fast and easily it came out. There she was! My beautiful little sunyside up Natasha! She was real! Her eyes were closed. Her face was lying there so still and perfect under the water. She had little rings of curls on the top of her head with straighter hair laying down the sides. A perfect peaceful little china doll still untouched by air. She was lying there as if she were still inside. I pushed some more and her shoulders and body slid out and I brought her up to my chest. She was absolutely perfect. She didn't open her eyes quite yet like Danyelle did, but she soon let out a cry with her little perfect lips pooched out and quivering like babies do. I held her and told her over and over that she was so beautiful and that I loved her. My whole body melted as my heart grew and I held this new love in my life. It was 5:58. The sun was pouring bright yellow light into the window now. Angela peeked around the corner holding Danyelle who had woke up when Connie arrived. I told them to come in and see her. I told Danyelle to look at her new sister. She looked tired, but I could tell she was processing it all. We had talked about it so much watching other water birth videos. I was glad she saw me still in the water so she could maybe put it together now. We noticed some blood start to flow out into the water. The placenta was starting to break away and get ready to come out. I think I noticed Angela and Danyelle left again. Connie told me to wait for another urge to push. I felt like I waited for quite awhile. I held Natasha close and tried to encourage her to nurse to help get the contractions going again. She wasn't interested quite yet. It took awhile to feel an urge to push. I held onto the placenta with my other hand as it slowly came out. It seemed a little more difficult than I remembered with Danyelle, but soon it too was out. We waited for the cord to stop pulsing before having Daniel cut it. Connie put it in a container while I tried again to get Natasha to nurse to help stop the bleeding. She didn't right away, but I was bleeding quite a bit, so we tried manual stimulation. This is something we wouldn't have felt as comfortable doing in the Hospital. I liked that we were encouraed to try a natural approach instead of just automatically getting pitocin. Natasha soon started nursing as well. I remember her looking up at me at one point. It's such a great feeling looking into your baby's eyes for the first time! The water started getting very red and Connie wasn't quite sure how much I was bleeding, so she asked me if I thought I could move to the bed. They helped me up, still letting me hold Natasha who was still nursing and walked us over to our bed and tucked us in. We nursed and cuddled for quite awhile. Connie told me to hold her and nurse her as much as I wanted before they checked her. After watching my bleeding for awhile, they did end up asking me if I wanted pitocin because my bleeding was still pretty heavy. I told them to go ahead and do it. Daniel said I shook like a leaf. But I was just thankful it was the first needle the whole pregnancy and birth. It was amazing to be able to cuddle as a family in our own bed in our own room so soon after having Natasha. This birth was so comfortable. We didn't feel like we had to ask permission from nurses before trying something. We just went with what felt right. It was all our own things in our own room. I loved that we were able to stay together as a family the whole time. I'm so thankful for this beautiful birth experience.

I felt bad that I hadn't contacted Juls the midwife who was going to encapsulate my placenta early on, but thankfully she squeezed me in and was able to get it done within a couple of days after Natasha was born. She dropped off the pills by my door so as not to wake us if we were sleeping and called my phone to let me know they were there. While I talked to her she told me that while she was doidng my placenta she noticed a spot on it that looked like another umbilical cord had been there and broke off. She asked me if I had had any bleeding that I remember during the pregnancy. My whole body shook a little. I told her about my bleeding and cramping in November and that they thought my placenta had just torn away from the uterus a little. I don't remember all she said as I was in shock and everything was rushing to my mind. She said something about Natasha's umbilical cord being in an unusual spot on the placenta. I thought she also said it was lucky Natasha made it too. I felt like I asked her to repeat what she was saying several times, but finally I pretended to understand because I was embarrassed that I was having trouble processing it all. I couldn't figure out how we could have missed a baby that grew to about the size of a plum. We only had an ultrasound at 5 weeks when all we saw was a sac and then again after I had bled. I knew there were cases where the ultrasound missed seeing a twin, so that didn't bug me so much as just wondering when it came out if it was really there. later when talking to my sister-in-law, she said it would have shriveled up a lot as the blood would have gone back into the placenta and into Natasha. Daniel told me that he actually saw something strange come out when I first started pushing. He didn't want to tell me during the birth and scare me. It made me feel better the he possible saw it. If there was a twin, and I know we probably won't know for sure until we are in Heaven, I wanted one of us to be able to see it before it was gone. I know that doesn't make much sense, but it really made me feel better. I can't explain how emotionally unstable it feels to find out after you've given birth to one healthy baby to find out that there was a possibility of another one. That you might be a mom of three instead of two. It's like my heart wants to grow, but it's not sure. I can't really explain it. I started blaming myself for being so horrible to my body the night before I bled. Thinking if only I had done things better. . . . I had a dream before Natasha was born about a baby being born and dying and then rewinding time and trying to do things better and it lived a little longer, but then died again and God was encouraging me in my dream that it wasn't my fault and that He was in control. I'm not sure if it means anything, but possibly God was preparing me? I don't want to read into it too much. I know God can speak through dreams, but I also don't want to tear apart my dreams and demand some kind of explanation either. But once I heard about the posibility of this twin, this dream came back to my mind. It both brought tears and comfort. We are content now not knowing what exactly happened. We have learned a huge lesson of trusting Him, even when we don't know what is happening or what happened. Even when we can't see the end yet. He is the Creator of all things. He wants us to trust Him in every part of our lives.

Recently I have again talked to Jules and she is thinking now maybe I just had a double lobed placenta. That when I bled my body needed to grow new tissue for Natasha to make up for the tear in the old placenta tissue. She also said that we probably would have seen a twin somewhere in the placenta when we inspected it. Again, this only teaches us that we can't know everything that happened, but God does and that brings us peace.